“Preview of Quake 4 preview has Internet in a tizzy”
Originally published September 09, 2004

Gamers pay attention: Hot off the presses is the news that sometime in the near future, some news will come hot off the presses. That’s right, the staff of the US version of PC Gamer magazine have let some people know (who aren’t Thumbs) that the upcoming November issue will feature a giant preview of Raven Software’s Quake 4. The Internet is really excited, and fortunately for us, it has already collectively offered its opinions on the preview of the preview (and apparently of the finished game itself as well as the finished version of Half Life 2):

• “Looks quite blatently ’shopped to me. Jaggies on ‘Quake IV’, and also on the header/footer”

• “I bet there won’t be a flashlight at all.”
• “Looks like another SOF 2 clone…”
• “Um, is this the Quake game that runs slow as bitch and we face 1-3 monsters at a time? No thanks, just give me Source, an engine that is perfect is almost every way!”

More updates on Quake 4 will be posted across the entire Internet as the story develops. We’ll probably keep you posted, too. Also, if you want a larger copy of the cover so you can get excited, obsess over it, or speculate whether or not it’s a fake (it’s real), it’s right here.

“Rockstar gets their guy up to six stars, attracts feds”
Originally published July 26, 2005

The eyes of an ever-increasing number of government agencies are turning to Rockstar Games as the ridiculous "Hot Coffee" scandal (sure to be named "Hotgate" or something equally inane by the 2008 presidential election) continues to escalate. Though they first tried to run away (by lying to the press, maybe), the self-branded "controversial publisher" eventually fessed up, admitting to including some uninspiring interactive sex scenes in their recent release, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas — scenes which could only be viewed by users who deliberately modified their copies of the game with the now world-renowned "Hot Coffee Mod" — leading to the ESRB upgrading the game to an "AO" (Adults Only) rating on the parental terror alert scale.

Beware: The US Government and various pundits for some reason think this is hot. They also think it was lied about. But we don’t care about that part.

Now that everything is out in the open, now that most retailers have pulled offending "Hot Coffeable" versions from shelves, and now that Rockstar has publicly stated that they are dealing with it by removing all traces of the already-locked-out, not-tantalizing and maybe-clothed sex minigame from future releases of the disc, the US House of Representitives have decided it’s time to take action. The action taken: at 7 p.m. last night, the House voted 355-21 to advance "House Resolution 376," a resolution urging support for a Federal Trade Commission inquiry into Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

What does that mean? On the surface, surprisingly little. As outspoken ass Jack Thompson told it to Gamespot News, "the resolution does not have the binding effect of law; it simply expresses the overwhelming sentiment of the House of Representatives that the Federal Trade Commission should investigate the matter fully." It gets trickier though, because Thompson continued talking: "I have spoken with leaders on the Hill on all this, and you can look for Congressional hearings on this in the fall."

Whoa. Do Jack Thompson and the feds know something we don’t? What greasy, bulging, unruptured secrets lie in the heart of Rockstar, begging for a federal subpoena? What sort of itchy filth could the Most Scandalous Video Game Publisher In The World have laying about in their Outlook Archive folders, waiting to be leaked?

And how many "Hot Coffees" are there, really? Do the inner halls of Rockstar HQ hold undiscovered Hot Coffee Mods dating back from a pixely Hot Coffee Lemmings all the way up to an in-development Hot Coffee Mod for the oh-so-tantalizing British schoolchildren of Bully? These are the sorts of things that keep Thompson up at night (with a bottle of hand lotion at arm’s reach).

Could these images be indicative of an as-of-yet undiscovered vehicular Hot Coffee Mod hidden within Rockstar’s 2000 release Smuggler’s Run?

As the situation stands now, though, things are more ridiculous than they are perilous, and despite whining, the game continues to be readily available for purchase, thanks to the Internet being vast and full of perverts eager to foist jerky polygonal sex on the fresh, pink youth of America.

“California youth malevolence, plastic gun waggling curbed thanks to ‘ultra-violent’ game restriction”
Originally published May 8, 2005

After years of debate on the subject, California has finally decided to legally limit access to "ultra-violent" video games for kids under 17 years old. Specifically, if you’re 16 years or younger, any game that depicts "serious injury to human beings in a manner that is especially heinous, atrocious, or cruel" is now legally off limits until you ask your mom for it while wandering Toys R Us, or have your older brother buy it for you while you’re standing there at the counter handing him your allowance money.

Aside from the obvious reason that "ultra-violent" games, by default, transform children into murderous raping hate-droids, Jim Steyer, Founder of Common Sense Media, adds that "the health threat involved with kids playing such games is equivalent to smoking cigarettes." Clearly time for legal intervention. Not enough? California Assembly Speaker Pro Tem Leland Yee also wants to remind parents that violent games actively promote "assassinating President Kennedy."

Fortunately, for parents still in the dark, the California State Assembly has provided a picture of a typical, violent game-addled youth. Beware:

That kid will fucking shoot you, due to his training as a player of ultra-violent video games. No bike helmet can withstand the fury he is about to unleash. No amount of glaring sun in the eyes will delay his game-induced malice.

“Nintendo DS able to do 8 billion things”
Originally published October 07, 2004

Apparently in the eyes of Nintendo, two screens, a touch censor and pen, a microphone and voice over IP does not a full feature set make. At a press conference today, Nintendo president Satoru Iwata elaborated on the wireless features of the DS, sneaking in some stuff people hadn’t really heard about before.

Unlike the recent lame wireless adapter for the GBA which — despite hopes of freeing the world of link cables — in fact does nothing, it appears the wireless capabilities of the DS do, well, everything.

“The DS’s wireless connection isn’t just a substitute for the link cable that was used on the Game Boy. The DS has wireless download capability, which allows it to receive a program and to execute it. With it, people can play games together using only one cartridge,”said Iwata. According to Gamespot, my sole source for this news update, Iwata cited Mario64 DS’s ability to handle 4 player wireless play from just one cart as a predictable, but awesome, example.

The good bit is this bit: “Although this won’t be available at launch, we’re thinking of using the wireless download function to change the way in which people try out upcoming games at retail outlets,” said the Iwata, “We’re thinking of a system where people can download a demo program, with a time or a usage limit, to their own DS. We hope that this system will allow new potential hits to be recognized by everyone, and that it will help to buck the trend where only sequels are hitting the sales charts.”

For the purposes of differing my report from Gamespot’s, I’m also going to claim that Iwata then demonstrated some sort of crazy pneumatic robot arm attachment for the DS, enabling public breakdancing functionality.

“Next-Gen Madden to feature hideous, rubber masks”
Originally published April 18, 2005

Holy fucking shit. Hide your children!

Since apparently I can’t resist, I’ll be dumping more of this on both of you guys in the next couple days. Get ready! Context, the passage of time, and perceived lack of interest even on my own part be damned.